The Way They Cut the Cucumbers
He said What’s this?
Carer said Cucumber
He said That’s not cucumber. That’s a mess
Carer said It’s cucumber
He said What have you done to it?
Carer said It’s just cut up
He said I don’t want my cucumber cut up
Carer said What’s wrong with cut-up cucumber?
He said It’s all sloppy and runny. I don’t like my cucumber all sloppy and runny.
Carer said Well how do you like your cucumber then?
He said I like my cucumber sliced
Carer said So you want special treatment for your cucumber.
He said No. I don’t want special treatment for my cucumber. I want my cucumber straight.
Carer said Would that be with rocks?
He said No. No rocks. I don’t want my cucumber on the rocks
Carer said Do you want your cucumber peeled?
He said No. No peeling. Peels hold the cucumber together
Carer said Even in cucumber slices?
He said Yes. Even in cucumber slices
Carer said But not in dices?
He said No.No dices. I like my cucumber is slices
Carer said So you want Kitchen to slice your cucumber?
He said That’s right. Slices, no dices
Carer said Very good sir. I’ll tell Kitchen to slice your cucumber
He said Good. No. Wait. I don’t want kitchen to slice my cucumber. They slice the cucumber too thin
Carer said How about I tell Kitchen to serve your cucumber whole, sir?
He said That right. That’s what I said
Carer said No you didn’t
He said When was that?
Carer said Just now. While your cucumber sat there getting warm
He said No! I don’t like my cucumber warm
Carer said Well Kitchen didn’t warm your cucumber
He said Swell. I don’t like my cucumber warm
Carer said Swell. I’ll tell Kitchen.
He said Tell them what?
Carer said You want your cucumber sliced
He said No. I don’t like the way they cut the cucumber
Carer said Well, in that case, sir, how shall I tell them to serve your cucumber?
He said Don’t serve it at all
Carer said What’s that sir? You don’t want cucumber?
He said I don’t want my cucumber diced
Carer said So you do want cucumber?
He said Yes. I love them cucumbers
Carer said But sliced, not diced?
He said Yes. Sliced, not diced
Carer said Very good sir. I’ll tell Kitchen
He said Good. No. Wait! I don’t want Kitchen to do anything to my cucumber
Carer said But you want your cucumber?
He said Yes. I want my cucumber.
Carer said So let me get this straight. You don’t want your cucumber diced, you do want your cucumber sliced but you don’t want your cucumber whole?
He said Yes. No ice
Carer said Very good sir
He said Good. No ice.
Carer said Which is it then, sir?
He said Tell them I’ll cut the damn cucumber
Carer said Why is that then sir?
He said Because I don’t like the way they cut the cucumber
Carer said Very good sir. I’ll tell Kitchen
He said THANK you!
Carer said You’re very welcome, sir. I’ll tell Kitchen
He said Good. Because I don’t like the way they cut the cucumbers
Carer said Very good sir. I’ll tell kitchen
He said Good. Because I don’t like the way they cut the cucumbers
Carer said I’m sorry sir. That’s the after dinner bell. Dinner time is over. I’m going to have to remove your dinner.
He said Good. The cucumber has gone all warm and mushy anyway.
Carer said Very good sir
He said to himself The way they cut the cucumbers in this place. Disgusting. 
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